BYRONIZMS

2007-06-28T11:23:00.000-04:00

I know it's been several weeks since adding a post. I have been working on some new art pieces for clients. I hope to have a few new post in the coming weeks.

Why are we afraid to let people in?

2007-06-07T07:52:00.000-04:00

For each individual it could mean a different answer when it comes to why we are afraid of allowing others into our life.

Fear of disappointment
Fear of rejection
Fear of being truly happy
Fear of betrayal
Fear of not measuring up
Fear of repeating prior mistakes

To address all from the list above would take some time, so I will touch on my reason of not allowing others in; trust. Trust seems to become a problem with many people and one, which usually stems back to prior events and experiences in our life. I’m glad to say I have made some great inroads in this area.

My trust issues tend to happen more with men than women. Could it be a freer sense of being with women and a less threatening demeanor and attitude? Could it be because of the lack of sexual tension? And with men, why is it the opposite? Is it the fear from past romantic relationship failures, my inability to communicate and open up stemming from my relationship with my father and other older men, or a mistrust by older men in my past? Definitely, I can answer yes to all of those.

The good news is, I realize my choices continue to get better with each new encounter with both men and women, hence my ability to trust them. Age has something to do with that.

My opinion-
Allowing yourself to trust someone can be hard to do, yet totally necessary if one plans to develop a stable relationship with another person. You must be able to open up, good or bad, and feel free to confide in other individuals. You can’t be afraid to ask for help and learn to rely on others. At times the other might falter in your eyes, but you have to be able to forgive if that’s the relationship you truly want. You want to make sure you grow from the experience of mistrust rather than it reinforcing previous negative trust issues.

When is it time to move on?

2007-06-04T07:50:00.000-04:00

This is a more recent question I have posed to myself in regards to Aston and a blow-up with a friend of mine. Do we continue to hang on out of loyalty or the bond created over the years? How much do we value the friendship or our lover/partner to continue? Maybe it might be time to move on?

First and foremost, one should always recognize that fights or disagreements will pop up from time to time in every relationship. It’s part of the dynamic of a relationship. To let go or stop seeing someone because of a fight means we will always be alone. We should try and work out our difference in a rational manner. Apologizing at times is necessary, along with its opposite and just as important counterpart, forgiveness. Both aspects are key if the relationship intends to flourish.

But when is enough, enough? I believe this point comes when ultimately the disagreements, piteous, are not able to reach an accord and are so frequent that reason vacates the relationship. When forgiving and apologies are like pulling teeth and neither party is willing to make the first step in reconciling. Maybe we have out grown the person and now our lives are heading in new, different directions. Also, I think it’s time to move on when we ask ourselves: Does this person make me feel good about myself? When the answer is a resounding ”no” then you truly know.

The Perfect Lie

2007-06-03T17:02:00.000-04:00

As I'm here sitting doing my Super SuDoku this Sunday, I'm listening to Sheryl Crow again. Have to say my second favorite song by her is 'The Perfect Lie" of her latest album, Wildflower. Wish I knew how to post music on this sight.

The Perfect Lie
by Sheryl Crow

Burn like a cigarette
All inside my head
Reminding me not to forget
Words, words I'd never say
Things along the way
They're telling me that I'm the best

'Cause your face it doesn't look like it did
You give away everything now that you've hid
You, you wanna be only
To never get lonely
So you opened up your arms and took me in
And this our last goodbye
And this is a perfect lie
Told by someone that I used to know back then

Help, help is on the way
That's what they all say
But a thing that they don't know
Is I, I know everything
And maybe it's just a ring
But that won't make me let it go

Look at your face it doesn't look like it did
You give away everything now that your here
You, you wanna be only
To never get lonely
So you opened up your arms and let me in
And this our last goodbye
And this is a perfect lie
Told by someone that I used to know back then

Look at your face, it doesn't look like it did
You hide the love
That you're not willing now to give, willing now to give
You, you want to be only
To never get lonely
So you opened up your arms and let me in
And this is our last goodbye
And this is a perfect lie
Told by someone that I used to know back then

2007-06-02T14:18:00.000-04:00

As luck would have it, I ran into Aston last night. Was it luck or an unfortunate coincidence? He looked as handsome as ever waiting for the bus to take him to the Hamptons. Me, on the other hand, as fate would have it, had just come from the gym. Not looking my best I'm sure, but nevertheless, it was terrific bumping into him. Later that evening we talked on the phone with both of us concurring there was this great connection or bond between us; a rare connection! How special I wondered? Special enough to leave Steven for me? Time would tell, but I knew I couldn't wait around for him to decide.

Just a thought...

2007-05-30T08:48:00.000-04:00

As I looked through recent photos of my trip to Paris, I came across this one of a fountain in Port-Royal. The grandeur and majesty of the horses conveyed a feeling of freedom. Then, I thought....To live our life bound and not free to be who we are, than are we really living.

Should I hire an escort? Sexless in the City

2007-05-26T06:26:00.000-04:00

So here's the thing. I know I am gay. I have no doubt that I am gay. I don't desire to change the fact that I am gay. But the thing that would truly define me as "gay"(a sexual experience with another man) has yet to happen. I am currently in the closet but determined to bust out this year (and quick). I have to or I am going to explode. But before I make this declaration to the world, I think I need to have this experience. So I am considering hiring a male escort. It makes me a bit uneasy but I think I need it to get over the "hump" (if you pardon the bad pun).

Since I travel to NYC a lot, I keep seeing ads for such services. Do you have any advice on this topic? Or, perhaps, know where I could go to find out more? And, yes, I am old enough to be engaging in such an arrangement (dare I say,embarrassingly, way more than old enough - or as the case may better be: too old to not have by now).

I'm not meeting anyone at bars because I come across very stand-offish, simply because I am unsure of how quickly things might progress or what his intentions are. I figure if I pay for my "first time" it will be on my terms and in my control (as utterly unromantic as that sounds).

So is it a good idea? What is the safest way to go about it? (I am thinking a visit to MY hotel room - and no overnights)? Should I meet him at a bar or restaurant first? What are some reputable escort services? What should I expect? (besides it should be conducted in a completely safe and responsible manner on my part)

I'd love to hear another gay person's opinion on the matter? You know how it's
said everyone knows a gay person (weather they realize it or not). Well, what happens when you ARE the gay person everyone unknowingly knows? I guess,
you end up reaching out for advice from a total stranger on the web and hope for the
best? Thanks, Sexless in the City

Sexless in the City,
Well, I too understand your frustration, seeing as I did not have sex until I was 20. I was not fully aware of my sexual impulses as a teenager, but by the time I did have my first sexual experience with a man, I was somewhat aware of how I felt towards the same sex. To say it was an ideal situation, who knows, but at least it was with someone I trusted. The gentleman was my modeling booker whom I knew for about 3 months. He was much older and aware of the kind of impact this could have on me mentally, as I’m sure any one's first time sexual experience can be.

I believe it’s better to have sex the first time with someone you have known, even if it’s only been a couple of dates. To hire an escort is an easy way to avoid having to deal with the other fundamental aspects about two people connecting; not just sexually. Yes, it might temporarily solve your impulse, but will it actually convince you about your true feeling towards men? Another aspect to consider with an escort - will there be a void of emotions? This might have a negative affect. Or will they actually live up and go beyond your fantasy, making it impossible to connect with someone else in the real world? These are experienced individuals whose job is knowing how to satisfy their clientele.

If you are leery of bars and know no gay people, maybe an avenue you could try is a social network site like Myspace, Gay.com, RealJocks, Dlist or Match.com. You could maybe make a friend or two in your area. Who knows, along the way you might click with someone. But if you decide to go the escort route, do a little research first. You can always Google escort websites in your area or if you have the money some are known to travel to you. Whatever your decision in regards to hiring an escort; know once you are able to come to terms and know your sexual preference a weight will be lifted. It can be a great release; no pun intended.

2007-05-25T09:02:00.000-04:00

I wanted to thank people who have been writing in comments. Readers should know if you have an opposing view, I would like to hear it, as I'm sure maybe others who feel the same way. Not everyone will agree, yet if we are able to look at different views then maybe that's the time we will begin to grow.

Is it all an illusion?

2007-05-24T07:35:00.000-04:00

Manhattan might be known as the city for singles, but it’s also home to just as many couples. With over 8 million people and an endless stream of tourists, everywhere you turn there are those “happy” twosomes enjoying life together. The closer I look the more I begin to wonder if these seemingly perfect relationships are actually real, or are they an illusion?

A lot of times from the outside, what seems to be a smooth, trouble free relationship could be quite the opposite. A facade put on by couples in order to conceal the troubles which plague their relationships. Then, I wonder if this facade is actually necessary to the relationship, and the individual. Are they truly happy? Are they in it for financial support? Are they content to fight and are their issues resolved? Are they afraid to be alone? Might couples continue to stay long after the love has dissipated because they have become comfortable and complacent?

I do believe there are those couples out there that are genuinely ecstatic with their mate. They are able to communicate and relish the idea of watching their relationship grow and be healthy, as well as, the other individual. There is a genuine love shared, and I think in today’s fast pace society this kind of relationship is a lot rarer to find; a couple showing no tricks, just themselves.

Are we blind to taking a chance?

2007-05-21T07:06:00.000-04:00

Recently, I attempted to set up several friends of mine on blind dates. My friend Ryan embraced the idea and wasted no time in pursuing a meeting with the guy whom I had in mind for him. He was open to the idea and went in with the attitude, “Hell, why not?” Could it be a match? Maybe, maybe not, but at least he trusted my judgment to not randomly set him up with a pointless introduction. I thought about it carefully before arranging it. Why get his hopes up if I knew it there wasn’t even a chance of the two hitting it off?

My other friends, however, have reluctance on going on a blind date. I believe they have doubts about whether it will be a true connection leading ultimately to a waste of time. Could it be a match? Again, maybe, maybe not. I like to believe even if there is not a “love” connection at least maybe they may meet a good person in the process and maybe have made a new friend.

Funny thing is this reminds me of the time my friend tried to set me up. I was attracted to the guy, but sad to say he did not feel the same way. At least, I took a chance and had a great meal in the process. Not a total waste.

My Thought….
What’s the harm and why are we scared of being set up? Rejected by the other person? It could just as easily work in the opposite direction, too. My feeling to a blind date is just like Ryan’s, “What the hell?” But if you do go, you must go with an open mind and receptive to the idea, because if not then there’s no point in even meeting.

Just a thought.....

2007-05-19T08:27:00.000-04:00

To be with that one person you love and know you could face the world with is extraordinary, but to be with that same person in an escaped world would be magical.

Is there hope online?

2007-05-18T08:34:00.000-04:00

With having met numerous men through online websites, I began to wonder if it was the way to go or just another dead end? On Match.com the men are "serious", or supposedly looking for a relationship-type of man, yet somehow they continue to never show up or carry though. The men on Manhunt, a little more persistent, meaning better results of actually meeting, yet sex is forefront and a committed relationship is usually the last thing they want. Is there a happy medium? Is it back to bars or blind dates set up through friends. Where is the rare chance encounter in finding our special someone?

Through the Internet, I am fortunate to report I have met some decent men. Was there a love connection? At times. Was there disappointment once we were face to face? At times. Did I vow to delete my profile over and over again, saying I would never rejoin only to rejoin again. Yes, definitely to that one.

My Conclusion-
The Internet is a different and new means in today’s demanding society to meet people. Yes, there could be and probably will be discouragement along the way for most of us, but who knows? You might end up meeting a wonderful person you will actually connect with. Take if for what it is and don’t pin all your hopes on finding Mr. or Miss. Right though the cyber-world. You need to continue to go out and interact socially, because it helps build up our confidence and social skills and keeps us human in a demanding world.

2007-05-15T00:12:00.000-04:00

I relapsed over the weekend and called Aston. I left 3 messages simultaneously, because the machine kept cutting me off. My thoughts were racing and it wasn't enough to leave on one try. He replied, of course the next day, "HP. It's hard to hear your voice. I thought this was supposed to be getting easier. xxo." Although I'm not proud of it, I'm not beating myself up.

It's been so hard not to talk and see him. He's constantly in my dreams, which is odd for me, because I have a tendency not to dream about men I date or have dated. I feel like screaming. I feel like going over to him and shaking him out of his complacent life. I feel like I might be losing control. I feel I have no control over the situation. Then I step back and realize I do have some control...be strong with my convictions. Then, I realize those actions will make me sad, because in the end it will mean no Aston in my life.

Why can’t we have the one we love? Elaine, Queens, New York

2007-05-14T07:46:00.000-04:00

Probably the best and most direct response to your question is that they are not the right person for us to begin with. Sometimes, I think we trick ourselves into believing another person does love us or will grow to love us. You can not manifest feelings from another if they are just not there. I know it’s hard to accept, but to continue to pine away will only give us more heartache and misery. Distance yourself and let time take over. It will be the best and healthiest thing to do.

I would appreciate your thoughts and ideas concerning child abuse....JB, United States

2007-05-10T07:22:00.000-04:00

Dear Byron-
I've spent the last 6 years trying to get my life back on track after my youngest brother tried to commit suicide for the third time-due to his own childhood abuse by our father-This last attempt triggered memories of my own abuse and my life really shut down on a practical level. I've done a ton of therapy and finally have some distance between me and the initial pain and depression that came with this discovery. Professionally, I was at the pinnacle of my career-with an amazing client list and projects and I was unable to work. Now, finally, I realize all of the self sabotaging and people pleasing programing have their origins in the abuse. I am now aligned with a great head hunter who has found me a wonderful position with a great firm. I am hoping that the darkest part of my journey is behind me and that I can accept this wonderful gift from the Universe.I am interested in doing yoga as a way of silencing doubts, fears and worries that crop up from the past-any other help or advice would be helpful. I think it's so shameful that as a culture we don't have more support or resources for the ADULT survivors of childhood abuse-many people live with this and it plays havoc with their lives as we approach mid life- if we have not dealt with it. I am writing a book to help others-but, I am shocked about the lack of resources for adults. Perhaps pedophiles and incest are too taboo in American culture but, the problems they create are very real. And they can be healed with the right support system. I would appreciate your thoughts and ideas-Best Regards,JB

JB,
Thank you for sharing your experience with me. Hope your brother is moving or heading to a better emotional state. Although I know it’s difficult to discuss, I believe you are moving in the right direction by acknowledging what happened.

I agree many adults who have experienced molestation or incest find it difficult to express their feelings and emotions that surround the incident. The same goes for children too, because they are unable to comprehend, grasp, and express what a “trusted” adult has done to them. Many times, victims of such actions repress what has happened to them as a way of avoiding having to deal it, along with the shame.

To repress such memories and not learn to work through the anger, hate, shame, self-doubt, betrayal, and other emotions will only be detrimental to your being. I commend you JB on getting professional help, which is something I believe every individual who has experienced childhood abuse should undertake. To ignore is the worst course of action.

If one does not learn to express, attempt to understand, and try to come to some sort of peace with the emotional affects of the abuse, it will continue to play in one’s daily life. These lasting affects will be both on a conscious and subconscious level. It will influence all our present and future relationships, whether we are aware of it or not.

I believe one does not need to forgive his/her abuser in order to “move” past the pain. For some it is necessary, but one does need to learn to love the self again and trust people again. Love and trust, two of the hardest things to regain after molestation or abuse.

I don't think I can tell you anything that you don't already seem to be aware of. You need reinforcement more than you need my advice. I totally agree with you about the lack of light/support for adults dealing with abuse from childhood, and I think by sharing with me your own experience and from your own words it shows that you are taking the right steps to change this. I commend you. I feel like we are both motivated similarly; in your need to write a book and my need to for this blog. We are both wanting to heal ourselves by opening up and hopefully by helping others.

Immaturity and Insecurity

2007-05-08T09:35:00.000-04:00

I remember my sister saying last year, how I always diagnosed people's personalities problems as either rooting from immaturity or insecurity. I initially laughed it off, but the more I began to think about it, I realized I usually did put certain individuals into one of the two categories. Don’t get me wrong, my goal is not to place individuals into one of the two categories, but I slowly began to recognize that to be the case. At times, I do come across individuals who don’t fall into either one and seem to have or convey a confident, independent, and a together persona.

Upon examining myself, I believe I have gone from the state of immaturity to now the state of insecurity. Looking back, I see how I was a lot of times impatient and immature as a child. I don’t think me being hyperactive helped the situation. Many times children display this characteristic; especially boys. Now, I have grown-up (somewhat…ha! ha!) and believe insecurity is more present. Could my insecurities stem from my lack of income when most of my friends are successful? Could it be feeling my body is not up to par, when I see more fit men at the gym? Could it be from my days as a model? Could it be from dating men who I believe to be more intellectually superior? Or could it just be fabrications I create, when all along these insecurities are not valid? I am glad to say that many of them I have tackled over the years and I to a point they are not as prevalent.

My thoughts about both:

Immaturity – Out of the two, I find this one really repulsive and a turn-off if this trait is displayed in adults. To a degree, I can tolerate immaturity in children, because they don’t know any better, but when it comes too grown men and women; I find it unacceptable. This immaturity could stem from one's own insecurity or at times having to get things one's own way. It’s also a form of selfishness, in my book. Just as in children, to acknowledge their behavior just reinforces the trait. Personally, I try not to associate with people who are immature. Lord knows, I have enough to deal with.

Insecurity- This trait I tolerate more in individuals. Partially, it’s because I believe the majority of people have something or things they might be insecure about. Failure? Rejection? Success? Death? The list can go on. It’s to what degree does one’s insecurity become detrimental to their daily lives. It’s also about loving yourself and feeling your own self worth. Even those who are overly confident can be a cover for their insecurity. Once you realize most people have them, then I believe you will look at yours less harshly and cut yourself some slack.

2007-05-06T08:03:00.000-04:00

I want to apologize to my 5, 10 or dare I say 20 readers. I've been enthralled with a new art project and haven't been writing as much this week. I promise to have some new questions, personal experience and observations up in the week to come.

Byron

How do I maintain a healthy relationship and not lose myself? Britney, New York, NY

2007-05-04T08:06:00.001-04:00

I am in a very serious relationship and am having trouble finding out how to pursue my own goals and desires while still being a generous and supportive partner. When does ambition become selfishness and when does self-sacrifice begin to compromise one's own identity? The line is so thin and I am having trouble seeing it. Britney, New York, New York

This is a common question many individuals struggle with once in a relationship. To lose your identity along with your “goals and desires” will only create resentment with your lover/partner and yourself. You must stay true to yourself, because that’s the person he/she originally feel in love with. At times, there will be compromises and self-sacrifice in order to make the relationship grow, yet to a point. Both parties needs need to be met. You will continually have to balance the two, which most people learn to do. Is it easy? No! Do some people find it overwhelming? Yes! If not, either isolation or separation takes place.

When you notice yourself starting to stray away from the person you what to be, this is the time you need to communicate and reconnect with your lover and yourself. Don’t wait, because the longer you do, it will only eat away more of your desire to fulfill your dreams.

Just a thought.....

2007-05-02T07:48:00.000-04:00

In life, sometimes to have it all you have to take a chance. You might fail, yet you could get exactly everything you want.

2007-05-01T00:36:00.000-04:00

The other night I had another dream, random, which eluded to some demons from my childhood. Although, at this present time I prefer not to share with you, I want to talk about the feelings I had after waking up. My wish and desire as I lay awake at four in the morning on Sunday.

After waking up from these types of dreams, the overwhelming sensation I have is isolation. The inability to communicate to someone at that precise moment in time is frustrating. Granted, I too am not fully aware of the scope or magnitude of my dreams, it would be nice to express them to someone right then and there. This time it was harder than usually, because Aston came into mind.

I had discussed with Aston some of my past one day as we lay by this river on the grounds of Storm King Art Center. Upon telling him there was no shock, disbelief or judgment; he only to listened and attempted to comprehend. This is what I loved about Aston; his ability to be with me and to accept me for the person I was. Although he said I was “perfect,” I knew better and so did he. It’s more human to accept other’s shortcomings or in this case my past. My love for him is what I really missed as I lay awake in the dark. Also the comfort in knowing he would be there not matter what and support me. That’s what I wanted and want; a great sign of a relationship which will last.

Do we really start to appreciate someone when they're gone?

2007-04-30T07:02:00.000-04:00

With recent events, I found myself asking this question. I knew already how I appreciated and cherished Aston immensely. Although I wanted more, the decisions was solely in his hands to make. The choice had been made. Made by both of us.

I was more curious how Aston would answer this question. Had I left an impression or impacted his life? Was it enough to have him leave his partner of 17 years? How could he not realize how great we were and would be together? Did he appreciate Steven more? It wasn’t in my best interest to dwell on the matter, yet it kept creeping into my mind.

My Conclusion-
The questions of one's impact and that of lasting impressions can fall on both sides of the fence; and the answer depends on the dynamics of the relationships. On the one hand, if negative or harmful aspects are in the relationship, perhaps we are thankful to have exited. We might never question our decision and never look back except to learn from the experience, hopefully not to repeat the pattern. But, if both parties left on amicable terms (and with loose ends?) than questions will undoubtedly be formed and may never be answered fully. To what extent or degree should we question how much we loved and appreciated the other or how much they loved and appreciated us? Different realizations occur at different times of one's life depending on the person. It would take some individual days, months or yes, even years to fully grasp and acknowledge how much someone was “truly good” for them. And how much we appreciated them. Yes, things could change, but all we can do is move forward.

Are we looking for something better?

2007-04-27T08:08:00.000-04:00

In today’s society we are constantly bombarded with idealist images of individuals through media, work, friends, and our daily activities. My friends have posed this question numerous times and sadly, I tend to agree with them. Especially, the case being I lived in New York City and I am gay, yet I was aware it wasn’t just a gay issue but a social issue encountered by all people.

A vast number of people in today’s society quickly become disenchanted with potential love interests or an already established relationship. One finds fault when actually the person might be nice and genuinely have our best interest in mind. Today, people tend to believe they could do better. Our requirements or standards to find a mate have increased to the point where almost no one can live up to them.

My Conclusion-
There will always be someone else with more desirable qualities or attributes. But this is illusive. Many times our search for “something better” stems from our own insecurity. We find the need to project aspects onto others in order to make up for qualities we might lack and wish we had ourselves. When we feel secure with whom we are, that’s when we will stop looking for the next best thing and start enjoying the great thing we already have.

2007-04-25T08:32:00.000-04:00

My friend recently wrote me regarding my blog. She has been reading it for the past month and felt the advice, along with my personal observations are balanced and well thought out but that there was something lacking, according to her. What was missing, she felt were the qualities people found most endearing, along with my ability to open up and express myself; sometimes goofy, sometimes sarcastic, sometimes brutally honest. I needed to “be vulnerable.” Maybe, I am editing myself to some degree; conscious or unconsciously. I will make a better effort, Lee, to interject more of ME in MY blog.

Just a thought...

2007-04-24T07:05:00.000-04:00

Why are we usually able to dispense sound, beneficial advice to others, yet are unable to practice it in our own lives? Our removal from the situation is the key.

An example could be when others see negative or harmful traits with your partner/lover, because they are not personally involved. We, on the other hand, have a hard time logically evaluating the situation or dynamic because of our involvement. And many times we might already know and care not to acknowledge.

What are we really looking for?

2007-04-22T08:41:00.000-04:00

With the daily activities we encounter in life, sometimes we forget to stop and figure out what we really want. Is it social status we seek or a fortune enabling one to acquire whatever one’s heart desires? Could it be, as simple as, having children or volunteering to help other people better their lives? Is it a continuous array of sexual partners or having an incredible connection with that one person? Many times, I believe we are disillusioned it requires a lot more in life to be happy, when it is just the opposite.

Now at the age of 37, I was aware the two fundamental aspects needed in order to make my life fulfilling. The first was my ability to express myself in a creative outlet, be it through my art or maybe now this website. Although frustrating at times, it allowed me a certain sense of freedom and purpose. The second would be a find and connect with someone special who I could love and vice versa. I have come to realize when people go from partner to partner the sex is only a momentary connection with no true emotional value. I wanted more.

My Conclusion-
It is imperative to take come time to figure out what you want in life, because one day you will regret not having done it earlier. Life is short.

Do I intervene? Courtney, Los Angeles, CA

2007-04-19T07:26:00.000-04:00

Over the past year there is an overbearing girlfriend (who I once considered to be very close) that I've grown apart from. I found certain aspects of her personality unacceptable and although I confronted her and we talked it out, ultimately she remained the same and her and I naturally began to pull away. The thing is when I first became friends with her, over five years ago, I also became friends with her very shy boyfriend at the time. I seemed to be one of the few people he could connect with, other then her. I became fond of him too. They have since broken up (it's been over two years) but they were in a seven year relationship and still have so many unhealthy ties and dependencies, along with playing in a band together. I know for a fact that she has been trying to move on and takes care of herself, including having sex with others, which she hides from him. He, on the other hand, has remained alone and a lot of that is in part with the way she manipulates him. Here is my part in the story. There have been a few times when he has reached out to me (I am married and he and my husband are also friends and my instincts say it is innocent). He called me up and we met at a coffee shop and talked openly about life. She called him while he was with me and went ballistic. The door to his and my friendship was shut (his for fear causing trouble between her and I and fear of "losing" her maybe?) I ran into him the other night at a bar and he looked in a really bad mental place and it broke my heart. This girl has become pure poison. Right as he was about to let me in his phone rang (this girl has radar) and the manipulations began. It was late, I left. My question is, do I reach out to this person who I feel is sinking or do I stay out of their business?

Courtney,
If you feel the guy is genuinely a good person and being taken advantage of by his girlfriend, than I think you must share your concerns with him. Especially, seeing he’s your friend, and from your description you have no respect for her anyway. There will probably be repercussions with the girlfriend knowing you got involved. Ask yourself, “Is he worth it?”

Your friendship with him could be in jeopardy if he decides to stay with her. On the other hand, it could be just the jolt he needs. Although there’s a chance of losing him as a friend, I believe this information is already affecting you in a negative way. Could you continue being friends with him knowing you never said anything?

Getting involved in other people’s romantic relationships can be a touchy subject. Be tactful and sensitive of his feelings when you finally decide to talk to him.

My last text to Aston

2007-04-18T09:11:00.000-04:00

Let my X-Mas letter say all I want. I feel not to have you in my life I would be losing so much, and to have you in my life I would be gaining even more.

Below I posted the letter to Santa

Dear Santa

2007-04-18T08:52:00.000-04:00

This is the letter I gave Aston last year at Christmas.

Dear Santa,

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written you. First off just to let you know I’ve been a good boy this year…for the most part. My list this year is pretty short and sad to say a little greedy on my part. Don’t get me wrong I would love to have peace on earth and an end to hunger. Wish also those around me to be healthy, safe and prosperous not just in the New Year, but for the rest of their lives.

My list contains 3 things this year…….

1. Snow on Christmas

2. A replacement set of Lincoln Logs I use to have as a kid. Man I loved that set.

3. Lastly to hopefully bring me a new boyfriend. I know this is not a traditional Santa gift and one you would never go for but let’s get real. This is 2006! Get with the times.

This good news is you don’t have to search to find me one. I already have the ideal one in mind. His name is Aston of New York City. Know that’s a common name, so I’m giving you where he lives.

Why this guy? First off it’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way about someone. Aston is this incredibly handsome and special man who posses a generous heart. I believe he has the ability and desire to be this extraordinary human being and is now starting to really look inward and search for that man. A man, who will see his numerous accomplishments in life and be able to appreciate them, To realize the ones who truly love him don’t expect him to be a superman (although he already is) and hopefully along the way in this knowledge reduce the stress he feels at work and his personal life. He is now starting to question certain aspects of his life, which makes me happier than you know. Why am I happy? Because, I believe once he starts he will begin to understand what will make him authentically happy and in the process multiplying his potential to love and be loved. That’s what life is truly about.

I love him so much. I know no relationship is prefect and there is work involved. But if we are able to communicate without fear of judgment, I could not wish for a better person to spend the rest of my life with. I just feel so safe and love when I’m around him.

So Santa, I will even give up the first 2 items on the list if you can grant me the 3rd.

Let him know I will try and make him happy, when he has found out what will make him happy. I will be his friend. I will support him. I will try to understand him. I will be a genuine human being to him. I will be there in the good and bad. I will try to make him laugh and be there when he cries. But most of all, I will LOVE him unconditional.

Well I know this is long letter Santa, but Aston is someone very, very, very (Aston likes to use 3’s) special to me and someone I would cherish completely.

Have a wonderful Holidays Santa (Aston). I’m thinking of you and the life we can have together…. especially on day like today.

Love
Byron

p.s. I ate one of your cookies and had a little milk.

What is the main lesson learned?

2007-04-16T08:23:00.000-04:00

When ending a relationship there is always a flood of emotions, which overtakes you. Love, anger, confusion, self-doubt, and longing just to name a few. I think all these emotions come into play at some time or another, but to different degrees.

Unable to commit the way I wanted and envisioned, Aston had moved on. I had to come to terms with this, no matter how difficult and moved on myself. Slowly I would. I will always feel a connection with this man who accepted me the way I was and made it easy to be with and love. I believe it is a rarity to find this in life. The feelings and emotions towards him are not bitter, but quite the opposite.

Though this experience, I learned a little more myself. I learned I wasn’t afraid to take a chance. I wasn’t afraid of getting hurt. And I wasn’t afraid to completely release myself and love another man. What I had discovered was this; I had grown into a person who was not frightened to be in the type of relationship I always truly desired.

My Conclusion-
If we are ever going to be in a happy, loving and nurturing relationship we can not be afraid, because if we do, we will always be alone. Or worse...We end up settling.

Is it wrong to end the friendship? Julia, New York, NY

2007-04-13T08:17:00.000-04:00

I have a massive crush on a guy and we have been hanging out for awhile. The problem is it seems like we are more than freinds when we hang out. I was honest with my feelings and told him how I felt. The catch: he has a girlfreind. So I've decided to end the friendship. Is this wrong?

Julia,
Romantic feelings towards a friend can be a tricky situation, especially when the other person does not reciprocate those emotions. It’s even harder when the other person is already in a relationship.

Ask yourself, has he ever given me any indication he would like to be more than friends? Is he flirting with me to receive self-gratification that he is still desirable to the opposite sex? I’m I only attracted to him because he is unattainable?

If he wants to continue the friendship on a platonic level, it could be difficult for you to be around him with these current feelings. Ultimately, if your feelings do not change and you can't be “Just Friends” than it’s probably in your best interest to walk way. The loss of a friend will be great, but your mental state will be better off.

How can I strike a healthy balance with my partner? Maxx, Brooklyn, NY

2007-04-11T00:16:00.001-04:00

I feel like I'm shouldering the burden of many of the day to day issues of a live-in relationship; having to be the more emotionally mature & financially secure one. How can I strike a healthy balance?

Maxx,
Once you move into the more day to day routines this is where traits begin to surface and patterns are set.

Emotional maturity is a key element in sustaining a healthy relationship. This attribute can not be forced, but one that must be learned. You can try and guide, but if the other person is unwilling to acknowledge and work on this, a decision must be made. Are we compatible or have I outgrown him/her? Sometimes the other person is not capable to invest in the emotional way we want or need.

When it comes to the financial part this can be a difficult topic for couples to tackle. It’s rare for both people to make similar or equivalent salaries in a relationship. The main prerequisite is each individual needs to make a genuine effort to contribute to the best of his/her abilities. One should never use his/her financial edge as leverage. If you do, it will inviolably make the other person resentful, which could lead to anger or withdrawal.

These issues should be addressed in a direct and rational way. The financial problems are one I feel are easier to address and work on, while the emotional maturity aspect if lacking could be a deal breaker in my book. If the other person is unable to provide you with the emotionally stability you require, than maybe you should think about ending the relationship.

Should we stay if unhappy?

2007-04-08T00:05:00.000-04:00

This is a question I asked on several occasions to Aston, the man I had seen over the last 7 months. He was already involved in a long-term relationship, yet searched to find someone or something, which his current union lacked. Their relationship was not what we would call an "open one" in today's society when both people are aware of the other's affairs. Both were silent and cared not to acknowledge the other's infidelity, yet I'm sure on some level both already knew. I wasn't the first.

The more I got to know Aston; I slowly began to realize why he sought my company. It wasn't about the sex. I made him happy, which his relationship lacked. A reason why many people have affairs.

So, why stay if unhappy?

First, you have to ask yourself if you want to continue in your present relationship. If yes, then you need to communicate why you are unhappy. Many times, the other person is already aware there are problems or has a sense. If they are not aware, that could be a warning sign too. If you are unable to talk and work on the problems, why be miserable? By staying in an unhappy relationship are you doing the other person any good?

I think people end up staying in unhappy relationships, because they are afraid. Fear, a lot of times, is built up to be greater than what we actually experience. You can say "What about the children?" or "How will I support myself?," but at the end of the day is it really beneficially (emotionally) to stay for the kids or financial support? Yes, there will be obstacles along the way in exiting an unhappy relationship, but everyone has these in his/her life. The obstacles just might be different. Realize you will have them and the blow will be less severe. Figure out the best rational way to exit an unhappy relationship. Will it be easy? Probably not, because there are strong emotions with the person you once loved.

The difficult decision will be worth it when you reach a state on your own or in a new relationship where you are happy.

Just a thought.....

2007-04-07T09:56:00.000-04:00

The scary part is taking the leap, but once we land we're better off for the experience.

What does one need to sustain a healthy relationship with your lover/partner...

2007-04-06T10:11:00.000-04:00

1. COMMUNICATION - Able to express yourself regardless of a situation or emotion. If you continually have to edit yourself in order to avoid dealing with problems which arise, this could be a warning sign. Couples usually have no problem expressing themselves when things is going well, but a true test is when things aren't.

2. TRUST - A foundation where you can rely on the other person and vice versa. One should feel honest and secure with their partner/lover. This is one of the hardest qualities to re-build after it has been severely broken.

3. RESPECT - A high regard and esteem not just for the other person, but also for yourself. People seem to forget this quality, but is necessary if you want the relationship to grow and flourish. Why would one what to continue in a relationship with a lover or friend if respect is lacking?

4. SUPPORT - Sort of a broad category, because being supportive entails numerous aspects. One should take an active interest in the other's interests, comfort when needed, assist if asked and sometimes without having to be asked. Basically, forming a stable environment were the other person is able to come to you and rely on you.

5. SHARING - Equality plays into this in my belief. Both people must strive to include the other when it comes to decision making on a daily bases. One should never feel superior. A lot of times, financial ascepts dictates who makes the decisions, which will inviolably make the other feel inadequate if not included.

6. LOVE - Some might question if it's unconditional or true love which sustains a healthy relationship. Lines can be draw between the two, with aspects from both needed to have a fulfilling partnership. I believe some conditions are necessary (example - staying faithful), while true love might be a clique embedded in us by movies, books and images. Regardless a love of the other person has to be present. You can love a person, but "Being in love" will carry the relationship forward. The dynamics between the two types of loves are very different

Drop or keep a friend? Scott, New York, NY

2007-04-03T20:07:00.000-04:00

I had been best freinds with someone for 10 years who I was very close to. He has always had questionable behaviour and now has become HIV positive. unfortunately his unsafe behaviour has not changed and he has become very secretive about his actions for fear of me judging him. Our values are very different and have obviously caused a strain in the freindship. I have tried to be supportive and offer constructive advise...but it doesn't seem to affect his actions. I feel I should end the friendship as I can't sit by silently watching his destructive behaviour. Then I feel guilty for turning my back on someone who may need my assistance down the road.

Scott,
From what you have written, it seems like you have taken the right course of action up to this point. Glad you are letting your friend know his "unsafe bebehavior" is not good for those he comes in contact with. Although he sounds like he is in denial of his circumstances, he should be made aware his destructive and thoughtless actions can and probaby will have negative consequences on others.

About dropping or keeping him as a friend....It's always difficult deciding if we have outgrown a friendship and now it's time to move on. I understand your dilemma, but at the end of the day make sure he is not pulling you down with him. Guilt for not being there should not overrule your values, judgment, and other friendships. You can only do so much. If he's not willing to omit or come to terms with his illness, then maybe it's time to sever the friendship. Trying as hard as you can will only lead to more frustration with him and yourself.

I have always dreamed of becoming a helicopter pilot. I have recently moved back in with my parents to save money for flying lessons --

2007-04-02T19:06:00.000-04:00

How can I deal with living back at home with a family that is judgmental rather than supportive of my ambitions? Gina, Napa, California

First of all Gina, congratulations on figuring out what you want as an occupation; especially one so daring and challenging. Many times people go through life unhappy with a chosen career. A career which you find gratifying and look forward to on a daily bases is rare. We should all be so lucky and try to strive towards if possible.

Now, concerning the parents. You must initiate an open dialogue with them where both parties are able to express and listen to one another. Convey your passion and desire in becoming a pilot. I know the expense of becoming a pilot is staggering, and one I'm sure both you and your parents are aware of. Tell them you are dedicated to your goal by saving money. They probably have concerns with both the financial and commitment of obtaining and continuing this career. This is a concern many parents have with their children regardless of their career path. Granted you might feel them to be unreasonable and negative toward your dreams, they are providing you with food and board while you save money.

It might require a little longer to obtain your goal, but stay steadfast to your dreams if you believe them to be the right course.

2007-04-02T07:58:00.000-04:00

Here's a recent art project by me.

"A Difficult Kind"

2007-04-01T13:02:00.000-04:00

As I'm sitting hear listening to the lyrics of this song by Sheryl Crow, I now remember why this is my favorite song. The words express breaking up with someone and growing from the experience only to love again. Maybe that's when we realize the person we once thought to be "the one" wasn't at all really meant for us.

If you could only see
What love has made of me
Then I'd no longer be in your mind
The difficult kind
But you won't see the change in me
If you could only see
What love has made of me
But I'll forever be in your mind
The difficult kind
But you won't see
No you won't see
The good in me
But babe I've changed
Cause babe I've changed

2007-04-01T11:51:00.000-04:00

Do I tell a friend that has been dating a guy for almost a year, but not committed, that he still has a girlfriend for the past 7 years? O.C. Chick

2007-03-31T15:36:00.000-04:00

Seems pretty cut and dry to me. Of course you should tell your friend, especially if they are "not committed." You can pass along the information, but in the end your friend will have to make the decision. Better to let her go in with all the facts before committing to this guy. Know you are trying to help, but there is nothing worse then going on false assumptions or hearsay. Make sure you have all the facts straight before informing her.

How do you forgive and trust your lover again after being betrayed? Veronica, Westchester, NY

2007-03-30T11:59:00.000-04:00

Betrayal can have such a wide scope and with each situation the course of action might be different. I will address, the big one and maybe what you are looking for, the betrayal of having an affair outside a relationship.

To forgive might be the easier part, yet the trust will always be in question. You have to look at the person and determine if he/she is capable of committing another act of infidelity.

I'm a firm believer cheating is a sign your own relationship is not on solid ground. It could stem from a lack of communication, shared interests, respect, financial, outgrowing the other, and stress just to name a few. Addressing these with your partner will be difficult, but it's the only way to hopefully rebuild your relationship. Both parties must be willing (open mind and free of judgement) to discuss what they feel is lacking and also be able to listen to what the over has to say. If not, then what's the point? As tough as it might be, ending the relationship might be the best course of action. Think what you want out of your relationship!

How can I get over a relationship that I can't let go of? Edwin, Union City, NJ

2007-03-29T20:27:00.000-04:00

Letting go is always hard. Sometimes it's the best thing once you realize why you are letting go in the first place. Many times people make the mistake of dating to soon or keeping themselves too busy in order to avoid having to deal with the pain of a break-up. It's natural to grieve and it's ok to do so. You should go at your own pace. Others can advise you, but only you know when it's time to start dating again. Reconnect with your friends and family. If you do not work through your grief and come to a better place in your life (emotionally), I believe your setting the stage for your next relationship to fail. So, take your time.

If you have a MySpace account

2007-03-29T16:48:00.001-04:00

If you have a MySpace account you can email me a question through "Byronizms"

Recent trip to Paris...

2007-03-29T01:03:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the delay.....

2007-03-28T19:34:00.000-04:00

Still working out a few of the problems with the email. Might have to start anyway
with a couple of my own personal experiences until we get fully going.

2007-03-28T19:25:00.000-04:00